“I wish I could have a near-death experience,” I very tactfully whined to someone who had involuntarily had a couple near-death experiences in my best middle-class white girl privilege voice, “I don’t want to die, but I would love to be able to just get my priorities straight, ya know?”
My audience was not terribly supportive of the idea, and, though I never told her, I’m sure my therapist wouldn’t have been thrilled either. But, as someone who struggles with clinical indecisiveness, I was drawn to the appeal of crystal clarity, even at a high price.
While that hasn’t happened, yet, I’ve discovered another way to get the same effects: cast yourself in a story. What does that mean? Well, let me tell you. I’ve always liked writing (big surprise from your author — not your author, this piece’s author), so I got a book (stop the fricking presses) about writing. It’s a very helpful book that lays out the creative writing process in a very linear fashion, and, even though I’m gay, I’m a sucker for linearity. First you need a premise or some inkling of an idea. Then, you need a main character. Then you have to set up the character’s main inner conflict. There will be, unless it’s a very dull book, external conflict, but the key to solving everything will hinge on the character’s internal conflict.
Another way to phrase “internal conflict” is as a misconception. Your main character must have a misconception about the world that they hold as a core belief that is holding them back. Maybe they believe that they can’t trust anyone. Maybe they think they need to control everything to be happy. You get the idea. And that idea stems from somewhere. We all have natural predispositions, but it’s the events of our lives that teach us the most about the world. If someone betrays you, you probably have trust issues. If your parents randomly died in a car accident, you probably wish you had more control over life.
These misconceptions hold you back. From intimate, trusting relationships, from happiness, from achieving your goals and dreams. How is your character going to overcome this internal conflict? Through external conflict! A zombie apocalypse hits and they have to trust the only other human alive. They get a terminal diagnosis and realize keeping a tight grip on the reins of life isn’t going to save them. In other words, something akin to, if not exactly, a near death experience! Exactly what I’ve been hoping for! Turns out, I just wanted to be a book character! (Not really surprising for me.)
While this was somewhat validating for my very invalid near death wish, it was also a little depressing. Is there no other way to achieve personal growth unless you experienced near tragedy? Well, when you think about it, this exercise is very similar to the approach of talk therapy. You tell them your trauma (and they ask why you’re smiling while you talk about your father abandoning you) and they help you see precisely how that messed you up.
I’m not saying this exercise should replace the help of a mental health professional, but I personally found it to be a very effective way to gain a little bit of clarity without encroaching on death. I know that most people think of white haired women in hand woven clothes when you mention “art therapy,” and I haven’t done any research on other types of art therapy (or even this one), but reading this book made me really stop and say, “Woah, this is art and therapy. Maybe all the capitalists do have it wrong.”
Hopefully thinking about what your internal conflict is can help you identify what is holding you back in life. Without needing a zombie apocalypse.
